Swimming

FYI - This is going to be a jumbled mess!

I had lunch with some special friends this week and they asked how I was doing since being home. I started answering them, and as I spoke, things started to make sense and I could actually verbalize how I am feeling. This is something I have not been able to do before when people would ask how I was doing.

You see, since I got home on March 14th, I really have not stopped. Yes, I have slept, eaten, been lazy, shopped, cleaned, organized, read, worked, etc...but my brain has not stopped. I feel like my life is a bit out of control and I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

It is the transition back to my life in the US that is really difficult. You would think that it would be easy to get back into the swing of things since it is my home turf. But, I have found that not to be the case. Since I have been home, things in my life are turned upside down and not in order. I am overwhelmed and I am not focused. You would think it would be easy to fix (just get it done, right?!), but because everything is so different and nothing is easy, I just shut down and cannot get anything together or accomplished.

All the 'new' stuff is my life is not helping. I have a new type of job (same department, just auditing different things), new management, new team, new director, new expectations, new house, new car, new stuff in the house...and the list goes on and on. So, I am not on top of my game. I cannot catch up and feel like I know what is going on. For example, I am a manual reader...so when I get something new, I usually read the owner's manual to learn about what this particular item is all about. Well, I have not read the first manual which makes everything hard. Nothing is easy to figure out. I cannot just turn something and it start working right. Or if something is wrong and not working and since I have no clue about it, I cannot fix it easily. I just want everything to work as it is suppose to and be easy. Nothing is easy right now. Nothing. NOTHING.

Thank God for my family. They have been there for me since the first day I arrived. Helping with anything and everything that I needed. I could not be where I am today without their help.

The first couple of weeks when I got home, my head was spinning. I could not sit and look at my computer screen without feeling really dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. I honestly thought something was seriously wrong with me and even talked to my doctor about it. This has since gotten better and I can actually sit at a computer screen without the need to panic thinking I was dying.

I just want to be able to focus, to be on top of my game and to be 'me' again.

Yes, patience is not my best virtue.