Friday, May 1, 2009

Swimming

FYI - This is going to be a jumbled mess!

I had lunch with some special friends this week and they asked how I was doing since being home. I started answering them, and as I spoke, things started to make sense and I could actually verbalize how I am feeling. This is something I have not been able to do before when people would ask how I was doing.

You see, since I got home on March 14th, I really have not stopped. Yes, I have slept, eaten, been lazy, shopped, cleaned, organized, read, worked, etc...but my brain has not stopped. I feel like my life is a bit out of control and I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

It is the transition back to my life in the US that is really difficult. You would think that it would be easy to get back into the swing of things since it is my home turf. But, I have found that not to be the case. Since I have been home, things in my life are turned upside down and not in order. I am overwhelmed and I am not focused. You would think it would be easy to fix (just get it done, right?!), but because everything is so different and nothing is easy, I just shut down and cannot get anything together or accomplished.

All the 'new' stuff is my life is not helping. I have a new type of job (same department, just auditing different things), new management, new team, new director, new expectations, new house, new car, new stuff in the house...and the list goes on and on. So, I am not on top of my game. I cannot catch up and feel like I know what is going on. For example, I am a manual reader...so when I get something new, I usually read the owner's manual to learn about what this particular item is all about. Well, I have not read the first manual which makes everything hard. Nothing is easy to figure out. I cannot just turn something and it start working right. Or if something is wrong and not working and since I have no clue about it, I cannot fix it easily. I just want everything to work as it is suppose to and be easy. Nothing is easy right now. Nothing. NOTHING.

Thank God for my family. They have been there for me since the first day I arrived. Helping with anything and everything that I needed. I could not be where I am today without their help.

The first couple of weeks when I got home, my head was spinning. I could not sit and look at my computer screen without feeling really dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. I honestly thought something was seriously wrong with me and even talked to my doctor about it. This has since gotten better and I can actually sit at a computer screen without the need to panic thinking I was dying.

I just want to be able to focus, to be on top of my game and to be 'me' again.

Yes, patience is not my best virtue.

5 comments:

  1. Tippa, I can hear the anguish in your words. So sorry this is such a rough patch to go through. Just know we are thinking of you and saying a prayer for you to regain a new sense of normal!

    Blessings Girl, hang in there!!

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  2. Oh sweetness, I'm so sorry this is a tough transition for you. Thank God Maxie is the same dog or you'd really be losing it! [silly joke] I really can't imagine how that feels... I like being surrounded by my "stuff" ... by stuff that once belonged to people I loved. Familiarity breeds contentment, and it sounds like you miss being content.

    But just like you had an adventure in Europe, finding a life here is an adventure, too... and you'll learn to enjoy it and it will once again turn into the familiar. And you'll be content. You just have to take deep breaths until you get there.

    We'll be here to take deep breaths with you. :)

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  3. I sorry Tippa and I'm so interested in this transition. I wonder if at some point it will all "click" or if it will be sllloooowwww in settling down?
    I'm praying for your peace.
    When you can, write about it that always helps me~
    love to you Sweet friend~

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  4. Hey Tippa, It sounds like you are going through major culture shock which is only to be expected. We have been home 48 hours and already I am feeling it. It is just not normal to buy so many things in such a short amount of time. A few friends who had already moved home recommended two books to me -- Homeward Bound by Robin Pascoe and The Art of Coming Home. I have bought both books but haven't had time to read them yet. I would recommend getting in touch with anyone you know who might have repatriated before and maybe talk through your experience with them. Almost everyone I have spoken with says that re-patriating is harder than adjusting to Belgium. Good luck!

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  5. Oh I'm so sorry. I would never have considered this! But you are so wise to research and make efforts to regain your center.
    Prayers for you on this part of your journey...sending love

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